Here's to the Future

Let's be straight - 2016 sucked. A Lot. Trump won the presidential election, Vine died along with Mrs.Brady AND Alan Thicke, for Temple fans Matt Rhule left, etc etc etc. It's normal to have a bad year, a year where nothing goes right and you're just like ok what the hell is going to happen next? But I have good news for you!  2016 is coming to an end!! Although a lot of people are like okay what really makes the different between December 31st and January 1st besides the date? But to me, it's not just another day. It's a  fresh start, a new beginning, a whole world of possibilities that will follow. You're starting a brand new year where you literally have no idea what could happen. You could meet your soulmate, you could get your dream job, you could buy a new puppy, you could go on an amazing vacation, it's just endless possibilities! Sounds corny? Maybe. But I like to think the new year is a way to almost cleanse your palate. Yeah, just like a lot of people, my 2016 was most likely the worst year of my life. In fact, 8 months ago I didn't even think I'd see the end of year, but here I am. This year was full of firsts for me. My first real breakup with someone I gave my all to, my first week long hospital stay (fun fact: the food is delicious), my first time staring death in the face, the first time I cut friends out of my life because they were bad for me (and kept them out), my first shot at recovery, my first investment in my own puppy (best investment ever), and the list goes on and on. But just because I had this unbelievable rough year DOES NOT mean I will be carrying any of that into 2017. I am ready to kiss 2016 goodbye and say helloooo to 2017.

Wanna know the good things about bad things? Lessons lessons lessons. Ok yeah I'm in my 5th year of college (long story) but I can guarantee you I learned more about life this year alone than my million years of schooling. I learned that life has ups and downs and the downs can be scary, but the ups can be beautiful. I learned that sometimes a breakup is a good thing in the end and even though it seems like something you'll never get over, I learned that you will get over it. I learned that the rock bottom I thought I knew and the rock bottom I hit this year are extremely different. I learned who my true friends are and what support system I have behind me. I learned that my angels in Heaven still have my back even though they aren't on earth with me. I learned that bullies will be bullies and I will NEVER allow myself to be like them. I learned to never fake a smile again and talk to my support system when I know things are getting bad. My god, the list goes on and on and on. Life is such a funny thing. I don't remember reading a manual on how to handle all of this but hell I fricken did and so did you, every day. My mom said to me recently, "it's hard to believe how fragile you were earlier this year and how tough you are now." First of all shoutout to my mom because I wouldn't be tough without her and second of all, hell yeah. I have become a new version of myself this year.

Maybe you've experienced something like me, maybe you haven't but why do I feel like sharing all of this? Because maybe someone can see me still here, still smiling, and think wow I can do it too. Because life does get better, you will smile again, you will be happy again. If my story can make ONE person think twice about ending their journey, then I'm happy to share. Life will chew you up and spit you out, but it will also remind you how beautiful it is at random points and you'll be like wow thank god I'm here. I remember a month or so after I got out of the hospital I was having a catch with my dad and I was just thinking why the hell did I almost give up these moments? Just because you're in a dark space doesn't mean it'll never end. The light will shine through.

All in all, we are so lucky. So lucky to have a new year waiting for us. So lucky to have the chance to make 2017 the best year yet. We have the chance to start over, the chance to grow from this year, the chance to be better. The chance to look back at this year and say ha f you, I made it. Here's to making 2017 our bitch.

Happy New Year. 

Xoxo,
A

Final Thoughts

Today I woke up disappointed, sad, and feeling uneasy. Through my 22 years, I have seen lots of bullying, lots of putting other people down, and lots of anger. In 2016, I saw that more clearly when a bully decided to run for president. I thought it was a joke to be honest. How could people even hear what he was saying, see what he was doing, and still vote for him? Today I woke up and decided not to look at my phone. I fell asleep before the decision was made so I just planned on pretending I didn't know the outcome. Then I heard my sister say to my mom before heading to work that she hopes she isn't the one to be made fun of next. I knew at that moment who won and my heart sank. No, it's not dramatic for me to feel like this. My sister is 25 and has Down Syndrome. She has gone her whole life with the stares, the name calling, the discrimination. She is smart enough and old enough to know when it is happening to her. Jess has always come out on top though because of who she is. Now, a president, the commander in chief, is her biggest bully. Just because someone has Downs doesn't mean they don't understand what is going on in this election or what they've seen in the commercials. I was nervous she would see Donald Trump make fun of a disabled man, but thought maybe she wouldn't (She loves TV though so that was kinda stupid of me to think she wouldn't.) I was wrong. She did. And she knew exactly what he was doing because it's been in front of her face all her life. I am sad for her. I am sad for her friends. I am just sad. But I know she'll come out better than before. Hillary spent time and energy trying to make her life better and it's worked overall.

4 out of 6 people in my house are women, 5 out of 9 if you want to count our dogs. We are a home affected by this man because of our gender. We are affected by this man because of my sister. If anyone treated me like Donald has treated women, my dad would have their head. The fear of walking alone in the dark is real for women. The fear of a man approaching us and not taking no for an answer is real for women. Now we have a president who does just that by letting men and boys know that this behavior is okay because hey maybe one day you'll be president.

I am a woman, I have friends who are minorities, I have a sister with special needs, I have women in my life that I look up to, I have a dad who would never let a man treat me like that, I have LGBTQ friends, and I am so sorry. So sorry to all of these people that were let down by America. But one thing Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton taught us...when they go low, we go high. Today we must stay high. We are worth more than what Trump has made us out to be. We are worth more than this election. We will be okay if we choose lover over hate. We will be okay.

And one more thing to add. My grandfather was a veteran. My family continues to have people who serve as well as friends. I am not ashamed to be an American. I am not unhappy to be an American. Right now, I am sad, yes, but tomorrow I will wake up and be happy again, happy to be a woman and happy to be an American. Today I am sad, but tomorrow it'll be okay. And I plan on learning as much as I can about Trump and having an open mind on him starting tomorrow. I did give him A LOT of second chances, but he is the president. He won fair and square. Life will go on and we will get to see what he is truly made of. He has the time to prove himself to us so let him do that. Let him show us who he is as president. Maybe, just maybe he'll prove us wrong. God, I hope so.

Don't let this election ruin your friendships. Don't let this election bring you down. Don't let this election tear you apart. We are all entitled to our opinions and it's time to accept each other's voices and move on.

xoxo,
A

The Truth

  I'm written different blog posts for this topic. I've thought about how to say what I want to say without saying too much. Why do I even want to write about this? Is it even worth writing about, sharing my story? To me, yes it is. I'm sharing for the people who didn't get a chance to live past their depression and see the beauty of life outside of their illness. I'm sharing for those kids who don't know where to turn to get the help they need. I'm sharing because I finally learned what a second chance is and I'm going to make the most of mine.
 
    I don't ever think I've felt so desperate in my life. Hopeless is a good word to describe how I felt too. I felt like I was losing everything all at once and nothing good would ever happen to me again. One second everything is fine, the next you're laying on your bed while your best friend is calling for help. I finally was working out every day, going out with my friends, realizing who's there for me and who isn't, and for the first time in my college career, I love my major and I have really good grades. The depression goggles were on and in full effect, not letting me see what is all in front of me. I could've lost everything in one spilt-second decision.

    Mental illness is an invisible, mean monster. You are not weak because you have anxiety, depression, etc. In fact, I think it makes you stronger. Mental Illness forces us to handle things that some people don't even understand and never will. Every single day is a new challenge that you have to take on and that's exactly what we do. One day I hope people will look at mental illness like a physical illness. If you saw someone having a heart attack, would you judge them for crying out in pain? No! So why would you judge someone for having a panic attack? Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

     I'm ready to challenge my anxiety and depression. It almost got the best of me, almost, but it didn't. One thing I learned over this span of events...I am not crazy and I shouldn't be embarrassed. Having anxiety or depression does not make anyone crazy. I am unique because I face these challenges. I am strong because I beat these challenges every day. I may not have asked for this, my gosh I would never ask for this, but I was given it and I'm going to work hard against it every single day.

     The truth about mental illness is that it kills and if it doesn't, it tries damn hard. The truth is you may not even realize you have it until you're in the back of an ambulance on the way to the ER. The truth is you are not going through this alone, ever. The truth is you'll beat it.

Always be kind to others and to yourself.

Xoxo

To the Friend Who Changed My Life

To the friend who changed my life,
     The minute I met you, I knew you were special. You just had this way about you. You could make anyone feel special. There was this smile you had and this powerful dedication to everyone around you. If you weren't okay, nobody knew it. You always cared more about others than you cared about yourself. If I had a sad tweet, you'd text me to make sure I was okay. If I working on one of my organizations, you were there to support.

     It takes a special kind of person to put themselves last even when they're going through some of the toughest things they'll ever have to face. You did that. Sometimes people come into your life as little gifts and that's what you were to me. You taught me to be selfless, you taught me to dedicate my life to the things I love, you taught me to be free. You taught me that life could hand you the shittest hand and yet we just had to keep going.

    I'm always told to put myself first once and a while, that I can't always be nice and giving. Sometimes it's more important to care for ourselves but you taught me otherwise. I will always strive to make other happy because that's what you did.

    An angel? Maybe that's what you are. An angel sent here to make me see life in a different way. Maybe you came to teach me lessons. Or maybe just maybe you came just to spread some happiness and fun into my life. Whatever it was, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for surprising me with your kind words and gestures. And thanks for saying that you loved me back when I made you. My life was made better because of you.

   Yeah, an angel that sounds nice. I'll always think of you as an angel. Sometimes people leave us for someone better, sometimes people leave us and move across the country, and sometimes people leave us for the best place you can be, Heaven. But no matter where you are right at this moment, know one thing is for sure, I'll never ever forget you or what you've done for me. I'll never forget how you changed my life.

Xoxo

The Gym

There are few times in my life that I feel truly proud of myself. Lately, I've been feeling really proud of myself for working out and sticking to my workout schedules. Although it takes forever to build confidence, fitness gives me a little more confidence each time I work out. I wanted to write not only about working out and how awesome it is, but also about cheering others on and encouraging each other.

I see a lot of tweets like "don't tweet about the gym, just go work out" or "nobody cares that you're at the gym" basically putting down anyone who tweets about the gym. Sometimes there's even Facebook posts [yes Facebook posts] mocking people who like to work out. I don't tweet about the gym to let others know I'm there. I tweet about the gym because I genuinely love the gym. It makes me happy being there. My twitter is basically random thoughts that enter my head, song lyrics, or somethings that interest me. The gym interests me. I love the gym and I love working out so when I tweet about it, I'm not looking for anyone to compliment me or anyone to notice I'm there. I'm tweeting for me. Sorry people but my tweets are not for you!

When I see progress pictures or gym posts, I feel so proud of people! Like yay!! You're making yourself healthier and fitter and in that process, you're probably gaining some confidence which you deserve. When I'm at the gym I love seeing people there! Whether you're heavy set, already skinny and toned, or just average, I'm proud to see anyone there. We're all there to accomplish our own goals and some might even be the same. So why not build someone up instead of tweet about how annoying they are? The time it takes to hate on someone for loving the gym is the same amount of time that you could be supporting them and putting positive energy out there.

The gym is the one place I truly feel good about myself. I get there and I know what I'm doing. I have a plan and I even help my friends that tag along with me. It's a good feeling. I like to see progress and I like to feel good afterwards. Working out is SO important. Not only would I like to lose a few pounds here and there, but I just want to be healthy. There are so many fast food chains or unhealthy aisles in the grocery store. It is so hard to stay on track but the gym is there to help you when you fall off. I think it is so important to feel good and like the way you look. Every body has a different shape and a different look, but as long as you're healthy who cares! Be you and love who you are and how you like. The gym is there to help you feel good!!

Moral of the story, be proud of yourself and be proud of your peers. When I take a friend with me to workout or even my mom, I am so proud of how hard they work. I'm also so proud of how hard I work, too. There is nothing but positivity there and I feel like that is how everyone should feel too! Next time you see someone post a progress pic, don't judge them, be proud of them! (Do you know how hard it is to feel comfortable enough to post a progress picture? IT'S HARD) When you see someone tweet about going to the gym, think wow good for you, maybe I should go too! instead of hating on them!

Spread positivity and positivity will come back to you!

~A

7 things to celebrate on World Down Syndrome Day

World Down Syndrome Day is celebrated worldwide on March 21! Why? A person born with Down Syndrome has an extra 21st chromosome. There is so much to celebrate on this day!

1. Celebrate someone you love with an extra 21st chromosome! (DUH)
2. Celebrate the fact that they are here and were given a chance at life.
3. Celebrate parents, teachers, family, friends of those with Down Syndrome. They are the reason our friends with Down Syndrome are doing amazing things and living their lives to the fullest. Without the support of these people, those with Down Syndrome would not live a filled life.
4. Celebrate their advances and accomplishments. Just some 20 or 30 years back, people with Down Syndrome were sent to facilities and not expected to do much. Now we have models, actors, olympic athletes that are all accomplishing so much all while having Down Syndrome.

5. Celebrate the graduates who have graduated from High School and maybe even gone to college. That's right, kids with Down Syndrome are going to college now!
6. Celebrate the differences those with Down Syndrome bring to this world. They teach those they encounter every single day to appreciate differences and lessen judgement.
7. Celebrate what they can do instead of what they can't. They might not be able to drive, but they can walk! They might not be able to become a lawyer, but they can work in a busy grocery store working around people!

Every day should be a celebration of those who have Down Syndrome. This disability can really hold them back if they let it, but we need to celebrate the fact that they don't let it hold them back! If you see someone with Down Syndrome today, make sure to let them know they're special and you're thankful that they are here today.

Losing a Dog

Losing a dog brings about the same pain as losing a human. Maybe not exactly the same, but I'd say pretty darn close. When I was little, all I wanted was a dog. Now I'm an adult and all I want is a puppy. It never ends. When you're little you imagine owning this puppy and loving on it constantly, you never think about ten years down the road when the puppy is now a dog, an old dog, and the future is limited with them. Why would you want to think about that?

A pet, in my case dogs, becomes like a sibling to you or for my parents, a child. You feed them, take them for walks, talk to them. They are literally your family and you love them just like you love your brother or sister. I think a big reason that we love our animals like they're human is because they love you even when no one else does. They listen to you when nobody else listens. They give you kisses even when you're sick. They are there for every part of your life, the highs and the lows. When I feel the most unloveable and think the world is out to get me, my dogs are always there for me. When you walk through the door, they race to you as if you are the greatest thing to ever exist and to them, you are. 

It's weird to think that a dog can be "put down." Like they don't have a say in any of this, their owners just decide they're sick and old and it's their time. Most times, this is one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make in your life. You have all these questions, is this right? Is our dog really in need of this? Are we doing what's best for him? What if he gets better in the future? Let me tell you, sometimes it just has to be done no matter how hard it is and I promise, it is always hard.

It sucks missing your dog. Missing the walks you would take, the kisses you would get, the fun you would have. If you have the right dog, losing them is like losing a sibling. If you have the right dog, losing them is heartbreaking. If you have the right dog, losing them is like losing your best buddy. They are there for you when nobody else is. Dogs are actually a man's (or woman's) best friend.

A pet just doesn't live as long as a you will, unless you get a turtle, those suckers live forever. If you're lucky enough to find a dog that matches who you are and you have the time and energy to give to your pet, make those years count. With each of my pets, I have always made the years count. Now that I just lost one and have two left with me, I definitely am trying my hardest to give them the attention they deserve. I guess one thing makes it easier when losing a pet, you know that they will always want you to be happy even when they're gone. That is their job. Our dogs want us to be happy which is why they are so affectionate and goofy and cuddly. They love you more than you love them (doesn't seem possible, but it is) and they just want their owners to be happy no matter what.

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

Why I Don't Say The R-Word

"Mentally retarded" was once a diagnosis used to describe those with intellectual disabilities. In the last few years, that term has been taken out of the medical dictionary and replaced with intellectual disabilities. Unfortunately the term "retarded" wasn't given up easily by those in today's society. It is now used to describe somebody is doing something dumb, stupid, wacky, goofy, crazy, etc. But what does it really mean when you're using that word?

It means taking away the specialness of someone with a disability. It means slapping a label on someone because of their IQ. It means comparing someone doing something stupid to those who are born with mental differences. Why don't I say the r-word? One word - inclusion. Another word? Love. How about one more? Equality. I don't use this word because it is just plain mean. There is no reason to insert this word into our vocabulary when we could literally just say why are you acting so dumb instead of why are you acting so "retarded?"

My sister, as many know, has Down Syndrome. I can assure you she is not dumb or wacky or crazy or retarded. She is Jessica and she wants to be treated just like everyone else. She didn't ask to be born with a disability, my parents didn't intentionally give her one. Growing up I didn't even look at her any differently, she was just my sister. I don't say the r-word because of her and her friends. Thanks to them, I am who I am.

I feel bad for those who can't accept others and the differences that come with each individual. Differences should be celebrated, not looked down upon or given a word that makes somebody feel less as a person. When you use the r-word that is exactly what you are doing. You're putting those who have disabilities into a category that separates them from the rest of the population. When you use this word, you could be saying it right next to someone who has a disability and you don't even know it. There are many different disabilities out there and some are not easily seen. Instead of watching who you say the r-word around, just don't say it.

I understand growing up in school and hearing your peers use this word. I heard it and said it myself once before even realizing what it meant. This is why there's this movement, to make people aware of the hurt that comes with this word. Spread the word to end the word is here to remind people not to use this nasty word at all, ever.

I don't say the r-word and you shouldn't either.

Live Life for You

Recently in one of my criminal justice courses I've been learning about the "American Dream" and what it is, why we feel we need to reach it, and what a bunch of bull it is (my words, not my professors). The American Dream is growing up, going to college, getting a good job, getting married, moving to the suburbs with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. Well, it's 2016 and I think we need a new American Dream.

You get one short life to live and the only person you should be making happy is yourself. In high school, it is stressed by every teacher that you need to go to college. There is pressure put on high school students to get good grades so you get into a good college. But what about the people who don't want to continue their education? Should they feel bad about themselves because they don't want what everyone else supposedly wants? When I was in high school, I was in the National Honor Society, I played sports, I was in all honor and AP courses, I was expected to be "smart." When we would get tests back to look over, I would never turn mine over to see the grade. My friends made fun of me, but I was terrified of seeing my grades. I had this expectation that I was always getting good grades and I would do well on tests so I wouldn't turn those tests around to look because I didn't want to disappoint if I didn't do well. If I didn't see the grade, was it really there?

I didn't start looking at colleges until my senior year. I had absolutely no interest. I knew I had to go to college, but I didn't necessarily know if I wanted to. It wasn't a priority to me, but it was a priority to everyone else. I ended up going to a school I was miserable at. I thought maybe college isn't for me or maybe it's just this school that isn't for me. I transferred and although I am much happier at Temple than I was at Millersville, I don't know if I'm 100% happy. I don't have much time left so I would never not finish my degree (getting a degree is important), but sometimes I wonder if maybe I went right to working would I be more fulfilled? Would I be happier? I'll never get to know because of the pressures of going to college and getting a good job. You go to college at 18. You are a baby! 18 is so young and you're supposed to have your life figured out by then. That is just crazy. They say your brain isn't fully developed till what, like 25?! That is a good 7 years away when you're 18 and supposed to be decided your WHOLE future.

I can't believe I'm about to reference my brother, but he's a good example of this. I know he doesn't read my blog posts, so don't tell him I said any of this. He went against the norm. He knew college wasn't for him, so he didn't let anyone talk him into going. People would continue telling him he had to go, why wasn't he going away to school like everyone else, the only way he'll get anywhere is if he goes to school. Well, working was the way he went and honestly, if he went to college, he would be absolutely miserable. He is an inspiration to me in this aspect. Instead of listening to everyone telling him to go to school or feeling pressured because some of his friends were going away to college, he went with his gut and decided what he wanted to do with his life. He took control of what he wanted and nothing else influenced that.

This is your life you're living, nobody else's and guess what. Life is real freakin short. You get one life to get it right, that's it. It's up to you to make the best of it. I'm almost through 4 years of college and the one big life lesson I learned is to live for YOU. Not math or science or any of that, I learned that you need to make YOURSELF happy. Make decisions that make you happy. Travel if you want, see the world, spend time with your family, open up a pizza shop. Do something crazy, because if you go through life not doing what you want the only person left unhappy and unsatisfied is you. I wish I could've taken this advice four years ago, but I went with the norm. Don't get me wrong. Temple is the absolute best school for me and there is no other college I would rather be at. I'm waking up every day, going to my classes, and trying to get good grades, but maybe there was a different route I could've taken. Maybe something else would've made me happier? Who knows?

All I know now is you have to go with your gut and trust how you feel. The only person who truly knows how you're feeling, is you so stop listening to everyone else and do things that make YOU happy.

If today was your last day on earth, would you be happy with the way you've been living?

~A

Medium Experience

Before my medium experience :

I am about to have my first medium experience. If you aren't sure, a medium is someone who can connect with the deceased. Everyone is able to connect differently. This is my first ever experience and I'm super excited, but a little nervous as well. I do believe that some people are able to connect with those who have passed, but I am definitely a little bit skeptical. I think I really want to believe someone can connect me to my loved ones that I lost so that makes me believe more, but I also have a little bit of like "how is this possible" in me.

My mom recently went to this woman who is a medium around our hometown and she had an amazing experience. I may be only 22, but in my 22 years of life, I have experienced a lot of death. I really would love to be able to connect with my family members and friends that I've lost. It would be so cool just to hear how they're doing. Wish me luck!!

After my medium experience:

Well, I went! And... it left me more confused than ever. I see mediums like Tyler (the Hollywood Medium) or Theresa Caputo (Long Island Medium) and I'm like there is no way they aren't real!! They have to be. Everything they say is so true, but then I went and experienced it on my own. Let me start from the beginning and I'll try to make sense of my feelings.

I walk in to this normal house with a mini-van in the driveway. There's a basketball net and a soccer goal. I'm taken back by all the "normalness." How crazy that this woman can talk to the dead and be a mom, wife, sister, etc. My brother and I walk into this house and it's beautiful on the inside. This woman, who looks very normal, guides us to where she does her readings. Immediately, my grandfather comes up. She says he has great energy and is great to be around. Definitely things were said where I was like holy cow, that is something he would say or how the heck did she know that?! My grandfather brought up the ring of his I wear every single day and the fact that I'm battling anxiety and that my brother is going against the norm in his life. Everything was just like WOW.

All of a sudden, a "motherly" figure comes up. She said this could be an aunt. Well, it must be my Aunt Barb who passed a few months before my grandfather did. Aunt Barb didn't stay too long, just mentioned a pin we have for her and that was pretty much it. My grandfather pretty much hogged up the whole time (which was good because I miss him like hell) but there were also some other people I wanted to hear from. I'm not going to mention anyone besides my own family in this blog post, because I don't want to be disrespectful to the families who don't know about my reading. Let's just say this is where it got a little tricky. She seemed to know what she was talking about when others started coming through, but then she brings up a random girl who passed. I don't have any friends that are girls that passed. Somethings started sounding a little generic, like pretty much everyone in America had gone through what she was bringing up.

My head hurt almost the whole time the reading was going on and I don't really know why that was. I didn't shed one tear, not one. Maybe it's because some of the things I heard before from my mom's reading, maybe it's because I'm going through the hardest time in my life and I don't have any tears left, or maybe I wasn't fully buying it. Who knows? When talking to my mom after the reading, she said there has to be some truth there, something has to be there. Maybe this woman got somethings wrong, but she's also trying to interpret what the dead is telling her from "the other side" and apparently that can be pretty difficult.

I want to believe her, so maybe that's why I'm still holding on. I have lost a lot of people in my life and I miss them every single day. I always wish they were here to see what was going on today, although I know they are always with me. I wanted to believe her so bad and I definitely believe some of it. I think there is some truth to what she does and what other mediums do, but I don't know if 100% believe she was talking to my family and friends on the other side. I never want to discredit someone's occupation. This is what mediums do for a living. They speak to the dead and deliver messages which can be extremely inspiring and exactly what someone may need. At the same time, I have to be honest and say the reading wasn't exactly what I expected.

I'm definitely thankful for the experience, because maybe it's once in a lifetime. Maybe at the age of 22, that's the only time I will ever have a medium experience in my life, which is cool. I want everyone to have their own experience and see for themselves. It's hard for me to commit 100% to the idea that I believe every single thing, but I do believe a lot and I think it's an experience everyone should go through.

I'm going to take the messages she said, that nobody else could've known, and hold them close to me. The things that were said that have to be true will always be on my mind. I don't want it to come across like I didn't believe anything this woman said or she was very unbelievable, because that's not the case. She truly seemed like she knew what she was doing and was able to communicate with something. Definitely something others should experience for themselves!

~A

Dealing with Anxiety

"Most people experience feelings of anxiety before an important event such as a big exam, business presentation or first date. Anxiety disorders, however, are illnesses that fill people's lives with overwhelming anxiety and fear that are chronic, unremitting, and can grow progressively worse."

Imagine feeling nervous before a big exam or a big meeting with your boss. Now, times that by 100. Yes, 100. That is what a person diagnosed with an anxiety disorder feels every single day. It doesn't go away. Unfortunately, in today's society, mental illnesses are kept quiet. Nobody really has a full understanding of them, especially those who don't have the illness, so they're almost looked down upon. Everything a person with anxiety experiences is in your brain so you can't see them. If you have the flu, it's noticeable. If you have a cold, you can see the runny, red nose and the pale skin. If you're having a panic attack, it's all internal. Nobody can see your stomach turning or your brain racing. When I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I kept it extremely quiet. I only let a few people know what I was dealing with and I just took my medication without anybody truly knowing. I refuse to keep it quiet now.

Why do I think it's important to talk about? Because I know somewhere, somebody is going through what I went through before I got the help I needed. Somebody somewhere is feeling anxiety every single day but isn't talking about it. They're suffering silently like I did for so long and if they just hear somebody else's story, maybe they'll reach out and get the help they need. That's why I want to tell my story.

When I went away to college my freshman year, I went through the typical homesickness. The weird thing was, mine was taken to the next level.  I cried every single day, I felt sick all the time, my mind was constantly racing. Now, I knew I would have a hard time going away, but I never thought it would be this bad. My friend had mentioned that her mom suggested she had anxiety and needed to get help for it. Then I thought, maybe that's what I'm going through, too. I kinda shrugged it off and let it go. Before I knew it, it was worse than ever. I thought maybe it's time to get the help I truly needed.  I finally let my family know what I was going through, which wasn't easy. I went to the doctors where they diagnosed me and gave me medication right away. I finally had the answers I needed. I wasn't going crazy, I was just suffering from a mental illness, anxiety.

I kept this quiet for so long. Only the people closest to me knew what I was going through and I wanted to keep it that way. Even my family had a hard time understanding what I was going through. That wasn't their fault, they just didn't know what I was going through. My mom is the best nurse I know and she knows everything about everything medical, but this she just couldn't understand. I would get frustrated because they didn't see what I was really going through, but it wasn't their fault. Panic attacks were always horrible but now I was able to control them with medicine. Unfortunately, though, mental illnesses just don't go away. This is something I have to face every single day and will have to face every day for the rest of my life. I have to decide if maybe I'm freaking out and creating situations in my head because I'm have anxiety or if something is really happening in real life. It's almost like my brain vs the world.

Anxiety and depression are nothing to be embarrassed of and I can promise you more people are going through it than you think. But remember, just because you feel anxiety once a week or once a month, do not claim you have this disorder. There is a big difference between being nervous for a test and being nervous every day of your life. Just trying to do normal, everyday things can be a challenge. These challenges don't have to be faced alone, though. Mental illnesses can strike at any time. Growing up, I was a happy person with lots of friends and a loving family. I never thought anxiety could happen to me, but here I am facing this illness every single day. I never knew much about it until it happened to me and now I want others to know they can talk about it, they can get the help they need.

Never give up, you are not alone.

~A

41 Thoughts During Grey's Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy rips our hearts out every single week yet here we are still watching it, week after week, season after season. Shonda is very good at thinking we have a chance to smile at the end of the episode, but typically we're looking for the tissues. Here are some of my thoughts during each episode that I'm sure others can relate to and remember McDreamy is still with Mer every single day, just not physically.


1. I don't think I'm mentally prepared for this episode.
2. Please don't let anyone I like die.
3. Where's Meredith's kids at?
4. McSteamy was definitely the hot one.
5. But he died.
6. And McDreamy was definitely the cute one.
7. But he died.
8. I lost sleep over their deaths.
9. Why are the cute old people always killed?
10. Karev is such a hottie.
11. I could definitely be a doctor.
12. That surgery doesn't even look hard to perform.
13. WHY SHONDA WHY
14. Grey-Sloane Memorial has the worst luck.
15. No, seriously where is Mer's kids?
16. They never mentioned a nanny.
17. If Jo doesn't want Karev, I'll take him.
18. Remember Karev and Izzy?
19. I definitely like Jo and him better.
20. Actually, I don't know maybe I like Izzy and him better.
21. Arizona and Cali should probably get back together.

22. Wait what about Cali's kid, where did she go?
23. Christina and Meredith are friendship goals.
24. I need a person.
25. I feel like Jackson should never wear a shirt.
26. Jackson and April need to be together
27. How did Bailey get that hot husband?
28. I think I want to marry a doctor.
29. Only if he looks like McDreamy or McSteamy
30. George was such a cutie and then bam 007.
31. IF MER DIDN'T CALL DEREK HE WOULD STILL BE HERE.
32. Why did he have to answer the phone?
33. Mer's step mom died of the hiccups like I have the hiccups am I going to die?
34. All those new interns don't even compare to the originals.
35. I do like most of them though.
36. Where are the tissues?
37. How are they going to end like that?
38. DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER FOR A WEEK?
39. I have so much homework but here I am wondering what Shonda will do next.
40. If anybody dies next week, I'm so done.
41. Okay probably not, but I'll want to be.

Body Image

I don't think I've ever met a girl that was completely satisfied with their body or how they looked. Growing up in today's world we have skinny, beautiful girls on instagram, on the magazine covers, all over guy's WCW. We think it's our job to live up to those expectations. Personally, I know I'm not fat, but that doesn't mean I don't feel fat. People can tell me till their blue in the face that I'm not fat, but I'll never believe them. Why? Because I have to compare myself to Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Kylie Jenner, etc. It's never ending for us girls.

Girls today go to extreme lengths to look perfect. It's sad really. Every single girl should feel beautiful no matter what they weigh or what size they wear. That sounds super easy, but it's quite the opposite. I think there's one thing I can personally do, that maybe everyone else should, too. STOP thinking Instagram is real. It is not. If you see Kylie Jenner with her pimpleless face and her shiny skin with perfect make-up realize this is an illusion. Not that Kylie isn't beautiful, but she's had lip injections, she has someone constantly doing her hair and her make-up, she has someone pick out her outfits.

Us girls have to stick together. It is so important to stand up for each other and to compliment each other. I love giving compliments. To see someone smile, because of just a little "I love your hair" or "your outfit looks perfect on you" is the best feeling. It isn't hard, it takes five seconds, and it can make a person's whole day. We have to ban together and try to defeat this "perfect" standard because guess what? Nothing is perfect. Imperfection is perfection. If everyone looked the same or wore the same size or had the same face, how boring would life be? We need diversity, we need different looks, we need to appreciate ourselves.

I've always had my own issues. My freckles, my HUGE head, my body, just to name a few. Then I realized, maybe this is something I'll struggle with forever, but my body does amazing things everyday. I can walk, I can run, I can throw a ball, I can climb, I can workout. I may not be a size 0, but I'm healthy. My body does what it needs to do to keep me alive every single day. I may be 22 and have freckles covering my face, but hey it hides pimples right? People always tell me what great skin I have, but nah it's just the freckles. Start looking on the positive side of things and make the best out of what God gave you.

Instead of looking in the mirror and picking out five things you hate about yourself every day, look for the good. Now, this is advice I have to follow as well. I am my own worst enemy, we are our own worst enemies, but we can do it. We can change what the world has created. We do not need to be perfect for anybody. Our bodies do not have to be a tiny size 0 for anybody. Our job is to not look good for anyone but ourselves.

Learn to love yourself for your personality and who you are, not what you look like. Beautiful people may not always be beautiful on the inside. Focus on making the inside beautiful, because that's what really matters.

~A

Dear Heaven

Dear Loved Ones In Heaven,

       I hope Heaven is treating you well. You probably have the best view up there. Can you see California or maybe Hawaii, what about Paris? I've always wanted to travel around and I bet you get to do that a whole lot. Maybe when we meet again, you can show me all those places. I'd love to see them and especially with you.
   
      I know you're always with me, but sometimes I can't help but feel alone. Losing you was hard and it felt like I would never get over it. I know Heaven is a great place but Earth can be too and I wanted more time with you. I have spent every day thinking about you and what you must be up to. I hope you found some old family members or maybe some friends up there to spend your time with. I heard time slows down up there, like maybe by the time I get to see you again, it was only like a week long when really it was years down here.

      Do you ever miss us down here on Earth? I hope you don't feel guilty for leaving. God must have a plan and although I don't know it, I hope you do. Spending these days apart have been hard and sometimes I think of the things I wish we could do. Time heals all wounds? Now, I don't know if my wounds of losing you are gone, but maybe they've shrunk a little bit. Not because I don't miss you, I do a whole lot, but because I know that you are meant to be there and I'm meant to be here. One day we'll see each other again.

      After you left, I was confused. So many questions flooded my brain from why did you have to go to why do I still get to be here? I don't think those questions will ever be answered, but I have to let them go and know this was how it's supposed to be. It'll never make sense to me, but that's how it'll have to be I guess.

     You've missed a lot down here, although I'm sure you're keeping a close eye on us. Donald Trump is running for president, do you believe it? Bet you thought you saw it all. Computers now can be portable and not like chunky laptops, like slim cool (expensive) laptops. IPhones are almost as big as your head now. Everyone is still keeping up with the Kardashians like 11 seasons later. Friends and Fuller House are coming back! Remember those shows? Hmm I think that all about hits the pop culture, at least the important stuff. (Haha none of that is important). I wish you could see all the crazy stuff happening down here.

     Spending time with you was my favorite. You taught me a lot and I'm thankful for that. Sometimes life throws you curveballs. All I really care about is that you're happy. If you're happy and healthy wherever you are, then I'm happy too. I hope you're enjoying Heaven and spending your time doing what you love.  Make sure to keep watching over me. I know I have some guardian angels up there and I feel blessed. I'll never ever forget you and I hope you'll never forget me.

xoxo,
Your loved one

Spring Has Sprung

Spring Semester that is. The one day a semester where girls wear jeans and make-up and guys shave their winter break beard. Ok I don't know if that's true but for me, I wore jeans and make-up. Tomorrow will most likely be back to my gym clothes.

It's time to say bye to winter break and look forward to spring break. Classes are in full force and now's a better time than any to make some goals. Not only is it a new semester, it's a new year and you can set some resolutions as well as some semester goals. Make deans list, go out for that cool club you've been looking at, talk to new people, buy more coffee. Whatever it is, you have to commit.

This is my 8th semester in college (wow). Normally, this is people's last semester but for me I still have three to go because I could never figure out what I wanted to do. This semester I'm finally starting a major I hope to love which I really think I will. Criminal Justice.  The most interesting subject to enter colleges everywhere. Bad people fascinate me and I can't wait for the day that I finally get to work with them. That kind of sounds weird, but I hope you know what I mean. I want to understand WHY they're bad. Why instead of having an argument with someone where you say mean things, WHY did you take it to the level of shooting them in the face? Why did you run over a person and not stop? Why did you spend months planning out the murder of your boss? All of these questions and millions of more fascinate me.

See, I can get pretty mad sometimes. If somebody does something to piss me off, you usually can tell. BUT I would never think about killing them because they made me angry. And although I feel like most people do think that way, some don't. There are also those killers who seem to have a normal life, sometimes even a good life that people are jealous of, and then they just snap.

Well enough about me, but let's just say I hope this semester treats me well. I have some goals in mind and I'm sure a lot of people do as well. Most people my age have graduating as a goal so if that's yours congrats, I'm proud of you and I know you'll do it. Personally, I'll save that goal for 2017.

This is a new semester to improve yourself. Strive for more and don't give up. You have 14-15 weeks depending on your school I suppose, to work hard in school and get good grades, maybe even find a killer internship for the summer. The reward at the end of this? Summer. Summer is the light at the end of the tunnel and you can do it.

You got this.

~A

New Year, Better Me

Happy 2016! How crazy that another year has just flown by and here we are in 2016. Honestly, for me, 2015 was a very tough, horrible year and I'm happy to see it go. Now I am ready to focus on 2016 and make it the best ever! I think every year you hear the phrase, new year, new me. Kind of annoying right? Like what you're going to change your life every single year? You're going to change everything about yourself every year? Eh, highly doubt that. How about new year, better you? You can always better yourself. Let's be real, one day doesn't change your life. Knowing that the year changes definitely gives me a different feel, like okay it's a whole new year to kind of change what I don't like about my life, and add in some stuff that I do like. I think it's definitely a good chance to reflect on your life. You can't change your whole self though, you just can't. Here's my top five new year, new me advice to myself and if it helps you, that's cool too.

1. Cut out the negative 
   Sounds easy right? Wrong. Sometimes you don't realize something is negative right away and that's okay. I slowly am beginning to see what negatively affects my life and I'm going to start cutting it out asap! Don't need anything in your 2016 that brings you downnnnn.

2. Exercise
   LOL. Everybody says this, but for me, exercising is SO important. I deal with my anxiety disorder every single day and one thing that tends to help me is exercising. So not only do I want to be in good shape, I also want to keep my mental health in check! Also, unlike most people, I like this resolution for people. What is so wrong with wanting to start off 2016 healthy? Some people do stick to it, they really do. So don't be a hater when the gym is crowded, be proud of your peers who are working their asses off!

3. Study study study
     Study what you love. This semester I am finally starting a major that I love and I am ready for it! My problem is, I'm lazy af. Truly am. My goal for this year is to change that about myself. Study as hard as I can and pull out those grades that I know that I can! I'm paying so much money for college, why wouldn't I work my ass off for it? Dean's list here I come.

4. Social Media is fake
   Hi, my name is Amanda and I'm addicted to social media. I can't help it. I grow up in an era where likes matter and how many followers you have matter. I grow up in a time where people edit their faces and take selfies at the best angle with the best light when really they have a huge pimple on their head and they edited out the bags under their eyes. Come on. Social Media is not reality. I absolutely adore pictures so of course I love instagram. This year I am not going to worry about who likes my pictures, who follows or unfollows me. I am going to post what I want on twitter, instagram, facebook BECAUSE IT'S MINE. Why should I care what anyone else thinks about my posts? They're MY POSTS. Kk cool.

5. Forgive and forget
   I hold onto things like tight. I usually forgive very easily and I do actually like that about myself. All I need is a sincere apology, and hey we're cool. The forgetting part is my toughest part. I can't forget anything. I am that girl who is up till midnight because I can't figure out how to move past something. I'm okay with the person or whatever the circumstance is that happened, but I'm still thinking about it. That's a serious goal for me.

2016 can be your year. Go into each year feeling like you are about to take on the world. This is your year, let's do it!

Happy 2016, New Year, Better You! 


~A