Live Life for You

Recently in one of my criminal justice courses I've been learning about the "American Dream" and what it is, why we feel we need to reach it, and what a bunch of bull it is (my words, not my professors). The American Dream is growing up, going to college, getting a good job, getting married, moving to the suburbs with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. Well, it's 2016 and I think we need a new American Dream.

You get one short life to live and the only person you should be making happy is yourself. In high school, it is stressed by every teacher that you need to go to college. There is pressure put on high school students to get good grades so you get into a good college. But what about the people who don't want to continue their education? Should they feel bad about themselves because they don't want what everyone else supposedly wants? When I was in high school, I was in the National Honor Society, I played sports, I was in all honor and AP courses, I was expected to be "smart." When we would get tests back to look over, I would never turn mine over to see the grade. My friends made fun of me, but I was terrified of seeing my grades. I had this expectation that I was always getting good grades and I would do well on tests so I wouldn't turn those tests around to look because I didn't want to disappoint if I didn't do well. If I didn't see the grade, was it really there?

I didn't start looking at colleges until my senior year. I had absolutely no interest. I knew I had to go to college, but I didn't necessarily know if I wanted to. It wasn't a priority to me, but it was a priority to everyone else. I ended up going to a school I was miserable at. I thought maybe college isn't for me or maybe it's just this school that isn't for me. I transferred and although I am much happier at Temple than I was at Millersville, I don't know if I'm 100% happy. I don't have much time left so I would never not finish my degree (getting a degree is important), but sometimes I wonder if maybe I went right to working would I be more fulfilled? Would I be happier? I'll never get to know because of the pressures of going to college and getting a good job. You go to college at 18. You are a baby! 18 is so young and you're supposed to have your life figured out by then. That is just crazy. They say your brain isn't fully developed till what, like 25?! That is a good 7 years away when you're 18 and supposed to be decided your WHOLE future.

I can't believe I'm about to reference my brother, but he's a good example of this. I know he doesn't read my blog posts, so don't tell him I said any of this. He went against the norm. He knew college wasn't for him, so he didn't let anyone talk him into going. People would continue telling him he had to go, why wasn't he going away to school like everyone else, the only way he'll get anywhere is if he goes to school. Well, working was the way he went and honestly, if he went to college, he would be absolutely miserable. He is an inspiration to me in this aspect. Instead of listening to everyone telling him to go to school or feeling pressured because some of his friends were going away to college, he went with his gut and decided what he wanted to do with his life. He took control of what he wanted and nothing else influenced that.

This is your life you're living, nobody else's and guess what. Life is real freakin short. You get one life to get it right, that's it. It's up to you to make the best of it. I'm almost through 4 years of college and the one big life lesson I learned is to live for YOU. Not math or science or any of that, I learned that you need to make YOURSELF happy. Make decisions that make you happy. Travel if you want, see the world, spend time with your family, open up a pizza shop. Do something crazy, because if you go through life not doing what you want the only person left unhappy and unsatisfied is you. I wish I could've taken this advice four years ago, but I went with the norm. Don't get me wrong. Temple is the absolute best school for me and there is no other college I would rather be at. I'm waking up every day, going to my classes, and trying to get good grades, but maybe there was a different route I could've taken. Maybe something else would've made me happier? Who knows?

All I know now is you have to go with your gut and trust how you feel. The only person who truly knows how you're feeling, is you so stop listening to everyone else and do things that make YOU happy.

If today was your last day on earth, would you be happy with the way you've been living?

~A

Medium Experience

Before my medium experience :

I am about to have my first medium experience. If you aren't sure, a medium is someone who can connect with the deceased. Everyone is able to connect differently. This is my first ever experience and I'm super excited, but a little nervous as well. I do believe that some people are able to connect with those who have passed, but I am definitely a little bit skeptical. I think I really want to believe someone can connect me to my loved ones that I lost so that makes me believe more, but I also have a little bit of like "how is this possible" in me.

My mom recently went to this woman who is a medium around our hometown and she had an amazing experience. I may be only 22, but in my 22 years of life, I have experienced a lot of death. I really would love to be able to connect with my family members and friends that I've lost. It would be so cool just to hear how they're doing. Wish me luck!!

After my medium experience:

Well, I went! And... it left me more confused than ever. I see mediums like Tyler (the Hollywood Medium) or Theresa Caputo (Long Island Medium) and I'm like there is no way they aren't real!! They have to be. Everything they say is so true, but then I went and experienced it on my own. Let me start from the beginning and I'll try to make sense of my feelings.

I walk in to this normal house with a mini-van in the driveway. There's a basketball net and a soccer goal. I'm taken back by all the "normalness." How crazy that this woman can talk to the dead and be a mom, wife, sister, etc. My brother and I walk into this house and it's beautiful on the inside. This woman, who looks very normal, guides us to where she does her readings. Immediately, my grandfather comes up. She says he has great energy and is great to be around. Definitely things were said where I was like holy cow, that is something he would say or how the heck did she know that?! My grandfather brought up the ring of his I wear every single day and the fact that I'm battling anxiety and that my brother is going against the norm in his life. Everything was just like WOW.

All of a sudden, a "motherly" figure comes up. She said this could be an aunt. Well, it must be my Aunt Barb who passed a few months before my grandfather did. Aunt Barb didn't stay too long, just mentioned a pin we have for her and that was pretty much it. My grandfather pretty much hogged up the whole time (which was good because I miss him like hell) but there were also some other people I wanted to hear from. I'm not going to mention anyone besides my own family in this blog post, because I don't want to be disrespectful to the families who don't know about my reading. Let's just say this is where it got a little tricky. She seemed to know what she was talking about when others started coming through, but then she brings up a random girl who passed. I don't have any friends that are girls that passed. Somethings started sounding a little generic, like pretty much everyone in America had gone through what she was bringing up.

My head hurt almost the whole time the reading was going on and I don't really know why that was. I didn't shed one tear, not one. Maybe it's because some of the things I heard before from my mom's reading, maybe it's because I'm going through the hardest time in my life and I don't have any tears left, or maybe I wasn't fully buying it. Who knows? When talking to my mom after the reading, she said there has to be some truth there, something has to be there. Maybe this woman got somethings wrong, but she's also trying to interpret what the dead is telling her from "the other side" and apparently that can be pretty difficult.

I want to believe her, so maybe that's why I'm still holding on. I have lost a lot of people in my life and I miss them every single day. I always wish they were here to see what was going on today, although I know they are always with me. I wanted to believe her so bad and I definitely believe some of it. I think there is some truth to what she does and what other mediums do, but I don't know if 100% believe she was talking to my family and friends on the other side. I never want to discredit someone's occupation. This is what mediums do for a living. They speak to the dead and deliver messages which can be extremely inspiring and exactly what someone may need. At the same time, I have to be honest and say the reading wasn't exactly what I expected.

I'm definitely thankful for the experience, because maybe it's once in a lifetime. Maybe at the age of 22, that's the only time I will ever have a medium experience in my life, which is cool. I want everyone to have their own experience and see for themselves. It's hard for me to commit 100% to the idea that I believe every single thing, but I do believe a lot and I think it's an experience everyone should go through.

I'm going to take the messages she said, that nobody else could've known, and hold them close to me. The things that were said that have to be true will always be on my mind. I don't want it to come across like I didn't believe anything this woman said or she was very unbelievable, because that's not the case. She truly seemed like she knew what she was doing and was able to communicate with something. Definitely something others should experience for themselves!

~A

Dealing with Anxiety

"Most people experience feelings of anxiety before an important event such as a big exam, business presentation or first date. Anxiety disorders, however, are illnesses that fill people's lives with overwhelming anxiety and fear that are chronic, unremitting, and can grow progressively worse."

Imagine feeling nervous before a big exam or a big meeting with your boss. Now, times that by 100. Yes, 100. That is what a person diagnosed with an anxiety disorder feels every single day. It doesn't go away. Unfortunately, in today's society, mental illnesses are kept quiet. Nobody really has a full understanding of them, especially those who don't have the illness, so they're almost looked down upon. Everything a person with anxiety experiences is in your brain so you can't see them. If you have the flu, it's noticeable. If you have a cold, you can see the runny, red nose and the pale skin. If you're having a panic attack, it's all internal. Nobody can see your stomach turning or your brain racing. When I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I kept it extremely quiet. I only let a few people know what I was dealing with and I just took my medication without anybody truly knowing. I refuse to keep it quiet now.

Why do I think it's important to talk about? Because I know somewhere, somebody is going through what I went through before I got the help I needed. Somebody somewhere is feeling anxiety every single day but isn't talking about it. They're suffering silently like I did for so long and if they just hear somebody else's story, maybe they'll reach out and get the help they need. That's why I want to tell my story.

When I went away to college my freshman year, I went through the typical homesickness. The weird thing was, mine was taken to the next level.  I cried every single day, I felt sick all the time, my mind was constantly racing. Now, I knew I would have a hard time going away, but I never thought it would be this bad. My friend had mentioned that her mom suggested she had anxiety and needed to get help for it. Then I thought, maybe that's what I'm going through, too. I kinda shrugged it off and let it go. Before I knew it, it was worse than ever. I thought maybe it's time to get the help I truly needed.  I finally let my family know what I was going through, which wasn't easy. I went to the doctors where they diagnosed me and gave me medication right away. I finally had the answers I needed. I wasn't going crazy, I was just suffering from a mental illness, anxiety.

I kept this quiet for so long. Only the people closest to me knew what I was going through and I wanted to keep it that way. Even my family had a hard time understanding what I was going through. That wasn't their fault, they just didn't know what I was going through. My mom is the best nurse I know and she knows everything about everything medical, but this she just couldn't understand. I would get frustrated because they didn't see what I was really going through, but it wasn't their fault. Panic attacks were always horrible but now I was able to control them with medicine. Unfortunately, though, mental illnesses just don't go away. This is something I have to face every single day and will have to face every day for the rest of my life. I have to decide if maybe I'm freaking out and creating situations in my head because I'm have anxiety or if something is really happening in real life. It's almost like my brain vs the world.

Anxiety and depression are nothing to be embarrassed of and I can promise you more people are going through it than you think. But remember, just because you feel anxiety once a week or once a month, do not claim you have this disorder. There is a big difference between being nervous for a test and being nervous every day of your life. Just trying to do normal, everyday things can be a challenge. These challenges don't have to be faced alone, though. Mental illnesses can strike at any time. Growing up, I was a happy person with lots of friends and a loving family. I never thought anxiety could happen to me, but here I am facing this illness every single day. I never knew much about it until it happened to me and now I want others to know they can talk about it, they can get the help they need.

Never give up, you are not alone.

~A

41 Thoughts During Grey's Anatomy

Grey's Anatomy rips our hearts out every single week yet here we are still watching it, week after week, season after season. Shonda is very good at thinking we have a chance to smile at the end of the episode, but typically we're looking for the tissues. Here are some of my thoughts during each episode that I'm sure others can relate to and remember McDreamy is still with Mer every single day, just not physically.


1. I don't think I'm mentally prepared for this episode.
2. Please don't let anyone I like die.
3. Where's Meredith's kids at?
4. McSteamy was definitely the hot one.
5. But he died.
6. And McDreamy was definitely the cute one.
7. But he died.
8. I lost sleep over their deaths.
9. Why are the cute old people always killed?
10. Karev is such a hottie.
11. I could definitely be a doctor.
12. That surgery doesn't even look hard to perform.
13. WHY SHONDA WHY
14. Grey-Sloane Memorial has the worst luck.
15. No, seriously where is Mer's kids?
16. They never mentioned a nanny.
17. If Jo doesn't want Karev, I'll take him.
18. Remember Karev and Izzy?
19. I definitely like Jo and him better.
20. Actually, I don't know maybe I like Izzy and him better.
21. Arizona and Cali should probably get back together.

22. Wait what about Cali's kid, where did she go?
23. Christina and Meredith are friendship goals.
24. I need a person.
25. I feel like Jackson should never wear a shirt.
26. Jackson and April need to be together
27. How did Bailey get that hot husband?
28. I think I want to marry a doctor.
29. Only if he looks like McDreamy or McSteamy
30. George was such a cutie and then bam 007.
31. IF MER DIDN'T CALL DEREK HE WOULD STILL BE HERE.
32. Why did he have to answer the phone?
33. Mer's step mom died of the hiccups like I have the hiccups am I going to die?
34. All those new interns don't even compare to the originals.
35. I do like most of them though.
36. Where are the tissues?
37. How are they going to end like that?
38. DO YOU WANT ME TO SUFFER FOR A WEEK?
39. I have so much homework but here I am wondering what Shonda will do next.
40. If anybody dies next week, I'm so done.
41. Okay probably not, but I'll want to be.