One Year Later

I think my hardest blog to write was one year ago when I had first been released from the hospital. It was kind of my way of saying, hey this happened and I'm okay, but it also told my story to more people than I anticipated which was kind of scary. I'm not a very private person to begin with. I have also been extremely open about any struggles I faced like when I was first diagnosed with anxiety or when I lost people to cancer. This was a little different for me though. I feel almost like this was something that nobody really expected to happen to me, which was very very overwhelming. When negative things happen to me or around me, I immediately want to help the people going through the same things which can be a good thing, but can also be a damaging thing. As soon as I came out of the hospital, I wanted to help the world! I wanted to reach people who would do what I've done, reach people who already did what I done, reach people who didn't know they were going to do what I did, etc, but I couldn't. At least, not then. I needed to focus on getting better which was hard to just solely focus on myself. In the end, I knew I had to write a blog about my experience, because I did want to help people. I am super open about what happened (mostly) because I NEVER ever want someone to go through that.

One year ago, I was set free as I call it. The hospital felt like a jail to me. No phone, no friends, no fun pretty much. Okay not totally true, very few things were "fun." Every month I've been out of the hospital I celebrated by myself. How exciting 1 month out! Then 2, now 3. It was crazy to see the progress I was making. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies right away though. I struggled a lot those first couple of months. I had eyes constantly watching me, which now looking back on it that was probably the most love I've ever felt in my life no matter how annoyed I was at the moment. I had to constantly convince everyone that I was okay, even though most times I really wasn't. Some days I spent in bed, some days I pushed myself to work out, and some days I spent the whole day smiling with friends or family.

Now a year later, I look back proud. I look back and smile. I look back and cry. I look back and thank the lord that I had my friends and family to constantly be by my side. I have worked my butt off this last year to make it where I am today. Last semester, I didn't think I would even be able to attend school, but I did it and now I'm almost graduated. There is so much stuff I would've missed if life had gone my way that day, April 10, 2016.

One year of laughs. One year of pain. One year of growth. One year of progress. One year of fun. One year of smiles. One year of tears. One year of every possible emotion you can feel from the saddest of the sad to the happiest of the happy. It's all a learning process which I've come to accept. I may never be 100% "cured" but I am on my way up for sure and I appreciate every step of the way. It's a journey and even though it may not sound like a fun journey, it kind of is. I have the best support system I can imagine, I've learned a lot about myself, I've had a lot of fun during the way, and the days that I need to rest, I let myself. There have been days where I have slept 20 out of the 24 hours of the day. Some people may think that sounds nice (it's not) but on those days I let my brain chill out. I've had so many good days that I let myself take a day to just chill.

Another big important thing to me is to let the world (meaning the people I can actually reach) what exactly this feels like and to have a voice for the people we've lost to this. A lot of people in my town have been shook up by deaths that happened this way. It hurts my heart to see people hurt. It hurts my heart to see people lose their lives because they, themselves, are lost. I feel almost like I can speak up for them and that is why I'm so vocal. I've heard phrases like that's so selfish or I'm so angry they left. There are so many reasons why someone could do what they've done and nobody, I repeat NOBODY knows what they felt at that moment in time, unless you have actually been in their shoes. So maybe that's another reason I got another chance? To be the voice for those we lost.

I think my biggest fear about blogging these experiences is that people will call me crazy or that I want attention, which by the way NOBODY wants attention for this. Just throwing that out there. A big thing I learned over this last year was to not care what people think. I'm still fairly bad at not caring, but I'm getting there. There are far more important things to worry about rather than who's talking about you. (Also there are far more important things to worry about THAN talking badly about someone) You have to live your life for you and nobody else. You have to be happy with yourself and love who you are. You are enough and you must treat yourself like you are enough.

Here's to many more years of celebrating life!

Xoxo

Also, I can't reach every single person who has helped me along the way, but thank you. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the laughs. If I had any memories with you over the past year where I'm smiling, laughing, etc, you are part of the reason I made it one whole year. So thank you.

Here's to the Future

Let's be straight - 2016 sucked. A Lot. Trump won the presidential election, Vine died along with Mrs.Brady AND Alan Thicke, for Temple fans Matt Rhule left, etc etc etc. It's normal to have a bad year, a year where nothing goes right and you're just like ok what the hell is going to happen next? But I have good news for you!  2016 is coming to an end!! Although a lot of people are like okay what really makes the different between December 31st and January 1st besides the date? But to me, it's not just another day. It's a  fresh start, a new beginning, a whole world of possibilities that will follow. You're starting a brand new year where you literally have no idea what could happen. You could meet your soulmate, you could get your dream job, you could buy a new puppy, you could go on an amazing vacation, it's just endless possibilities! Sounds corny? Maybe. But I like to think the new year is a way to almost cleanse your palate. Yeah, just like a lot of people, my 2016 was most likely the worst year of my life. In fact, 8 months ago I didn't even think I'd see the end of year, but here I am. This year was full of firsts for me. My first real breakup with someone I gave my all to, my first week long hospital stay (fun fact: the food is delicious), my first time staring death in the face, the first time I cut friends out of my life because they were bad for me (and kept them out), my first shot at recovery, my first investment in my own puppy (best investment ever), and the list goes on and on. But just because I had this unbelievable rough year DOES NOT mean I will be carrying any of that into 2017. I am ready to kiss 2016 goodbye and say helloooo to 2017.

Wanna know the good things about bad things? Lessons lessons lessons. Ok yeah I'm in my 5th year of college (long story) but I can guarantee you I learned more about life this year alone than my million years of schooling. I learned that life has ups and downs and the downs can be scary, but the ups can be beautiful. I learned that sometimes a breakup is a good thing in the end and even though it seems like something you'll never get over, I learned that you will get over it. I learned that the rock bottom I thought I knew and the rock bottom I hit this year are extremely different. I learned who my true friends are and what support system I have behind me. I learned that my angels in Heaven still have my back even though they aren't on earth with me. I learned that bullies will be bullies and I will NEVER allow myself to be like them. I learned to never fake a smile again and talk to my support system when I know things are getting bad. My god, the list goes on and on and on. Life is such a funny thing. I don't remember reading a manual on how to handle all of this but hell I fricken did and so did you, every day. My mom said to me recently, "it's hard to believe how fragile you were earlier this year and how tough you are now." First of all shoutout to my mom because I wouldn't be tough without her and second of all, hell yeah. I have become a new version of myself this year.

Maybe you've experienced something like me, maybe you haven't but why do I feel like sharing all of this? Because maybe someone can see me still here, still smiling, and think wow I can do it too. Because life does get better, you will smile again, you will be happy again. If my story can make ONE person think twice about ending their journey, then I'm happy to share. Life will chew you up and spit you out, but it will also remind you how beautiful it is at random points and you'll be like wow thank god I'm here. I remember a month or so after I got out of the hospital I was having a catch with my dad and I was just thinking why the hell did I almost give up these moments? Just because you're in a dark space doesn't mean it'll never end. The light will shine through.

All in all, we are so lucky. So lucky to have a new year waiting for us. So lucky to have the chance to make 2017 the best year yet. We have the chance to start over, the chance to grow from this year, the chance to be better. The chance to look back at this year and say ha f you, I made it. Here's to making 2017 our bitch.

Happy New Year. 

Xoxo,
A

Final Thoughts

Today I woke up disappointed, sad, and feeling uneasy. Through my 22 years, I have seen lots of bullying, lots of putting other people down, and lots of anger. In 2016, I saw that more clearly when a bully decided to run for president. I thought it was a joke to be honest. How could people even hear what he was saying, see what he was doing, and still vote for him? Today I woke up and decided not to look at my phone. I fell asleep before the decision was made so I just planned on pretending I didn't know the outcome. Then I heard my sister say to my mom before heading to work that she hopes she isn't the one to be made fun of next. I knew at that moment who won and my heart sank. No, it's not dramatic for me to feel like this. My sister is 25 and has Down Syndrome. She has gone her whole life with the stares, the name calling, the discrimination. She is smart enough and old enough to know when it is happening to her. Jess has always come out on top though because of who she is. Now, a president, the commander in chief, is her biggest bully. Just because someone has Downs doesn't mean they don't understand what is going on in this election or what they've seen in the commercials. I was nervous she would see Donald Trump make fun of a disabled man, but thought maybe she wouldn't (She loves TV though so that was kinda stupid of me to think she wouldn't.) I was wrong. She did. And she knew exactly what he was doing because it's been in front of her face all her life. I am sad for her. I am sad for her friends. I am just sad. But I know she'll come out better than before. Hillary spent time and energy trying to make her life better and it's worked overall.

4 out of 6 people in my house are women, 5 out of 9 if you want to count our dogs. We are a home affected by this man because of our gender. We are affected by this man because of my sister. If anyone treated me like Donald has treated women, my dad would have their head. The fear of walking alone in the dark is real for women. The fear of a man approaching us and not taking no for an answer is real for women. Now we have a president who does just that by letting men and boys know that this behavior is okay because hey maybe one day you'll be president.

I am a woman, I have friends who are minorities, I have a sister with special needs, I have women in my life that I look up to, I have a dad who would never let a man treat me like that, I have LGBTQ friends, and I am so sorry. So sorry to all of these people that were let down by America. But one thing Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton taught us...when they go low, we go high. Today we must stay high. We are worth more than what Trump has made us out to be. We are worth more than this election. We will be okay if we choose lover over hate. We will be okay.

And one more thing to add. My grandfather was a veteran. My family continues to have people who serve as well as friends. I am not ashamed to be an American. I am not unhappy to be an American. Right now, I am sad, yes, but tomorrow I will wake up and be happy again, happy to be a woman and happy to be an American. Today I am sad, but tomorrow it'll be okay. And I plan on learning as much as I can about Trump and having an open mind on him starting tomorrow. I did give him A LOT of second chances, but he is the president. He won fair and square. Life will go on and we will get to see what he is truly made of. He has the time to prove himself to us so let him do that. Let him show us who he is as president. Maybe, just maybe he'll prove us wrong. God, I hope so.

Don't let this election ruin your friendships. Don't let this election bring you down. Don't let this election tear you apart. We are all entitled to our opinions and it's time to accept each other's voices and move on.

xoxo,
A

The Truth

  I'm written different blog posts for this topic. I've thought about how to say what I want to say without saying too much. Why do I even want to write about this? Is it even worth writing about, sharing my story? To me, yes it is. I'm sharing for the people who didn't get a chance to live past their depression and see the beauty of life outside of their illness. I'm sharing for those kids who don't know where to turn to get the help they need. I'm sharing because I finally learned what a second chance is and I'm going to make the most of mine.
 
    I don't ever think I've felt so desperate in my life. Hopeless is a good word to describe how I felt too. I felt like I was losing everything all at once and nothing good would ever happen to me again. One second everything is fine, the next you're laying on your bed while your best friend is calling for help. I finally was working out every day, going out with my friends, realizing who's there for me and who isn't, and for the first time in my college career, I love my major and I have really good grades. The depression goggles were on and in full effect, not letting me see what is all in front of me. I could've lost everything in one spilt-second decision.

    Mental illness is an invisible, mean monster. You are not weak because you have anxiety, depression, etc. In fact, I think it makes you stronger. Mental Illness forces us to handle things that some people don't even understand and never will. Every single day is a new challenge that you have to take on and that's exactly what we do. One day I hope people will look at mental illness like a physical illness. If you saw someone having a heart attack, would you judge them for crying out in pain? No! So why would you judge someone for having a panic attack? Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

     I'm ready to challenge my anxiety and depression. It almost got the best of me, almost, but it didn't. One thing I learned over this span of events...I am not crazy and I shouldn't be embarrassed. Having anxiety or depression does not make anyone crazy. I am unique because I face these challenges. I am strong because I beat these challenges every day. I may not have asked for this, my gosh I would never ask for this, but I was given it and I'm going to work hard against it every single day.

     The truth about mental illness is that it kills and if it doesn't, it tries damn hard. The truth is you may not even realize you have it until you're in the back of an ambulance on the way to the ER. The truth is you are not going through this alone, ever. The truth is you'll beat it.

Always be kind to others and to yourself.

Xoxo

To the Friend Who Changed My Life

To the friend who changed my life,
     The minute I met you, I knew you were special. You just had this way about you. You could make anyone feel special. There was this smile you had and this powerful dedication to everyone around you. If you weren't okay, nobody knew it. You always cared more about others than you cared about yourself. If I had a sad tweet, you'd text me to make sure I was okay. If I working on one of my organizations, you were there to support.

     It takes a special kind of person to put themselves last even when they're going through some of the toughest things they'll ever have to face. You did that. Sometimes people come into your life as little gifts and that's what you were to me. You taught me to be selfless, you taught me to dedicate my life to the things I love, you taught me to be free. You taught me that life could hand you the shittest hand and yet we just had to keep going.

    I'm always told to put myself first once and a while, that I can't always be nice and giving. Sometimes it's more important to care for ourselves but you taught me otherwise. I will always strive to make other happy because that's what you did.

    An angel? Maybe that's what you are. An angel sent here to make me see life in a different way. Maybe you came to teach me lessons. Or maybe just maybe you came just to spread some happiness and fun into my life. Whatever it was, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for surprising me with your kind words and gestures. And thanks for saying that you loved me back when I made you. My life was made better because of you.

   Yeah, an angel that sounds nice. I'll always think of you as an angel. Sometimes people leave us for someone better, sometimes people leave us and move across the country, and sometimes people leave us for the best place you can be, Heaven. But no matter where you are right at this moment, know one thing is for sure, I'll never ever forget you or what you've done for me. I'll never forget how you changed my life.

Xoxo

The Gym

There are few times in my life that I feel truly proud of myself. Lately, I've been feeling really proud of myself for working out and sticking to my workout schedules. Although it takes forever to build confidence, fitness gives me a little more confidence each time I work out. I wanted to write not only about working out and how awesome it is, but also about cheering others on and encouraging each other.

I see a lot of tweets like "don't tweet about the gym, just go work out" or "nobody cares that you're at the gym" basically putting down anyone who tweets about the gym. Sometimes there's even Facebook posts [yes Facebook posts] mocking people who like to work out. I don't tweet about the gym to let others know I'm there. I tweet about the gym because I genuinely love the gym. It makes me happy being there. My twitter is basically random thoughts that enter my head, song lyrics, or somethings that interest me. The gym interests me. I love the gym and I love working out so when I tweet about it, I'm not looking for anyone to compliment me or anyone to notice I'm there. I'm tweeting for me. Sorry people but my tweets are not for you!

When I see progress pictures or gym posts, I feel so proud of people! Like yay!! You're making yourself healthier and fitter and in that process, you're probably gaining some confidence which you deserve. When I'm at the gym I love seeing people there! Whether you're heavy set, already skinny and toned, or just average, I'm proud to see anyone there. We're all there to accomplish our own goals and some might even be the same. So why not build someone up instead of tweet about how annoying they are? The time it takes to hate on someone for loving the gym is the same amount of time that you could be supporting them and putting positive energy out there.

The gym is the one place I truly feel good about myself. I get there and I know what I'm doing. I have a plan and I even help my friends that tag along with me. It's a good feeling. I like to see progress and I like to feel good afterwards. Working out is SO important. Not only would I like to lose a few pounds here and there, but I just want to be healthy. There are so many fast food chains or unhealthy aisles in the grocery store. It is so hard to stay on track but the gym is there to help you when you fall off. I think it is so important to feel good and like the way you look. Every body has a different shape and a different look, but as long as you're healthy who cares! Be you and love who you are and how you like. The gym is there to help you feel good!!

Moral of the story, be proud of yourself and be proud of your peers. When I take a friend with me to workout or even my mom, I am so proud of how hard they work. I'm also so proud of how hard I work, too. There is nothing but positivity there and I feel like that is how everyone should feel too! Next time you see someone post a progress pic, don't judge them, be proud of them! (Do you know how hard it is to feel comfortable enough to post a progress picture? IT'S HARD) When you see someone tweet about going to the gym, think wow good for you, maybe I should go too! instead of hating on them!

Spread positivity and positivity will come back to you!

~A

7 things to celebrate on World Down Syndrome Day

World Down Syndrome Day is celebrated worldwide on March 21! Why? A person born with Down Syndrome has an extra 21st chromosome. There is so much to celebrate on this day!

1. Celebrate someone you love with an extra 21st chromosome! (DUH)
2. Celebrate the fact that they are here and were given a chance at life.
3. Celebrate parents, teachers, family, friends of those with Down Syndrome. They are the reason our friends with Down Syndrome are doing amazing things and living their lives to the fullest. Without the support of these people, those with Down Syndrome would not live a filled life.
4. Celebrate their advances and accomplishments. Just some 20 or 30 years back, people with Down Syndrome were sent to facilities and not expected to do much. Now we have models, actors, olympic athletes that are all accomplishing so much all while having Down Syndrome.

5. Celebrate the graduates who have graduated from High School and maybe even gone to college. That's right, kids with Down Syndrome are going to college now!
6. Celebrate the differences those with Down Syndrome bring to this world. They teach those they encounter every single day to appreciate differences and lessen judgement.
7. Celebrate what they can do instead of what they can't. They might not be able to drive, but they can walk! They might not be able to become a lawyer, but they can work in a busy grocery store working around people!

Every day should be a celebration of those who have Down Syndrome. This disability can really hold them back if they let it, but we need to celebrate the fact that they don't let it hold them back! If you see someone with Down Syndrome today, make sure to let them know they're special and you're thankful that they are here today.