One Year Later

I think my hardest blog to write was one year ago when I had first been released from the hospital. It was kind of my way of saying, hey this happened and I'm okay, but it also told my story to more people than I anticipated which was kind of scary. I'm not a very private person to begin with. I have also been extremely open about any struggles I faced like when I was first diagnosed with anxiety or when I lost people to cancer. This was a little different for me though. I feel almost like this was something that nobody really expected to happen to me, which was very very overwhelming. When negative things happen to me or around me, I immediately want to help the people going through the same things which can be a good thing, but can also be a damaging thing. As soon as I came out of the hospital, I wanted to help the world! I wanted to reach people who would do what I've done, reach people who already did what I done, reach people who didn't know they were going to do what I did, etc, but I couldn't. At least, not then. I needed to focus on getting better which was hard to just solely focus on myself. In the end, I knew I had to write a blog about my experience, because I did want to help people. I am super open about what happened (mostly) because I NEVER ever want someone to go through that.

One year ago, I was set free as I call it. The hospital felt like a jail to me. No phone, no friends, no fun pretty much. Okay not totally true, very few things were "fun." Every month I've been out of the hospital I celebrated by myself. How exciting 1 month out! Then 2, now 3. It was crazy to see the progress I was making. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies right away though. I struggled a lot those first couple of months. I had eyes constantly watching me, which now looking back on it that was probably the most love I've ever felt in my life no matter how annoyed I was at the moment. I had to constantly convince everyone that I was okay, even though most times I really wasn't. Some days I spent in bed, some days I pushed myself to work out, and some days I spent the whole day smiling with friends or family.

Now a year later, I look back proud. I look back and smile. I look back and cry. I look back and thank the lord that I had my friends and family to constantly be by my side. I have worked my butt off this last year to make it where I am today. Last semester, I didn't think I would even be able to attend school, but I did it and now I'm almost graduated. There is so much stuff I would've missed if life had gone my way that day, April 10, 2016.

One year of laughs. One year of pain. One year of growth. One year of progress. One year of fun. One year of smiles. One year of tears. One year of every possible emotion you can feel from the saddest of the sad to the happiest of the happy. It's all a learning process which I've come to accept. I may never be 100% "cured" but I am on my way up for sure and I appreciate every step of the way. It's a journey and even though it may not sound like a fun journey, it kind of is. I have the best support system I can imagine, I've learned a lot about myself, I've had a lot of fun during the way, and the days that I need to rest, I let myself. There have been days where I have slept 20 out of the 24 hours of the day. Some people may think that sounds nice (it's not) but on those days I let my brain chill out. I've had so many good days that I let myself take a day to just chill.

Another big important thing to me is to let the world (meaning the people I can actually reach) what exactly this feels like and to have a voice for the people we've lost to this. A lot of people in my town have been shook up by deaths that happened this way. It hurts my heart to see people hurt. It hurts my heart to see people lose their lives because they, themselves, are lost. I feel almost like I can speak up for them and that is why I'm so vocal. I've heard phrases like that's so selfish or I'm so angry they left. There are so many reasons why someone could do what they've done and nobody, I repeat NOBODY knows what they felt at that moment in time, unless you have actually been in their shoes. So maybe that's another reason I got another chance? To be the voice for those we lost.

I think my biggest fear about blogging these experiences is that people will call me crazy or that I want attention, which by the way NOBODY wants attention for this. Just throwing that out there. A big thing I learned over this last year was to not care what people think. I'm still fairly bad at not caring, but I'm getting there. There are far more important things to worry about rather than who's talking about you. (Also there are far more important things to worry about THAN talking badly about someone) You have to live your life for you and nobody else. You have to be happy with yourself and love who you are. You are enough and you must treat yourself like you are enough.

Here's to many more years of celebrating life!

Xoxo

Also, I can't reach every single person who has helped me along the way, but thank you. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the laughs. If I had any memories with you over the past year where I'm smiling, laughing, etc, you are part of the reason I made it one whole year. So thank you.